Looking at the Past with Rose-Tinted Glasses

What do you do when you reflect on simpler times with rose-tinted glasses so strong it seems like you're living in a daydream of your past? I'm talking about growing up in a specific climate and missing that environment as an adult. Or certain people you've met who seem to have it made in more ways than you. Maybe there's a past job or college or even high school you wish still occupied most of your days.

Every 7 years or so, our personalities are scientifically proven to change. This means developing brand-new habits over that course of time and being a somewhat-completely different person in 2020 than you were in 2013. In 2020 we may look back at 2013 as being a simpler time. As spring approaches, the sun shines today, and our hearts swell. We remember a time spent outdoors in the sun as a young adult, teenager, or child. Overwhelmed by the emotions, sights, sounds, and touch of that time, our brain convinces us that we'd rather be there than here. 

I encourage you, then, to go back to those places. Physically return to the places you think of fondly. Visit the home you grew up in, rewatch a movie you thought was incredible as a kid, check out the website of a past employer, take a tour through the old college campus you once attended. I don't mean to discourage or discredit these thoughts. It's important to remember that feeling of your parent being proud of you in a possibly rare moment of your youth. I do mean to say, however, that maybe the "good ol' days" were that way because that's what we made them. Maybe we have more power to influence our own lives and attitudes than ever before but we have a harder time recognizing this is the truth. And maybe we can turn today's humdrum into the good ol' days of tomorrow by living, fully immersed, in them. 

Cancel what stresses you out, if you can. Resolve the issues that keep you up at night, if you can. Cut out the bad that keeps takes your focus off of today and puts it on tomorrow, if you can. You don't know the mental stress you could be putting yourself under that's not allowing you to live a fully content life. You don't know how just one more day of apathy can cost you a lifetime of action, passion, and a heart on fire. 

Enslaved by Screens, Isolated by Entertainment

Why do I have such a hard time with follow-through? My fourth post and I just want to quit this blog. I just want to stop and waste time on other things on my lunch break. The internet is a wonderful place, but isn't it sending us into more isolation than ever before? I know you've probably heard that a million times from articles, friends, 'scientists', researchers. Experiencing it makes it real. Coupled with the constantly-busy America we live in, it's tough to have a real conversation these days. I'm thankful at least part of my childhood wasn't spent in front of a computer, TV, tablet, or smartphone screen. The outdoors are incomparable, bringing clarity and refreshment to our lives. The people we're missing out on talking to because we're glued to our phones can bring true joy, satisfaction, and interest into our lives with just a little investment.

But that's the problem - there's such a low bar-to-entry for finding diminishingly temporary satisfaction when playing video games, watching TV shows, finding a new YouTube channel, or answering questions on r/AskReddit. The more time I spend doing these things, the more irritable I become because I know it was a waste of time and I could've been doing so many other, better things. I remember not being a stickler about my time. Now I want every free moment I have to be in front of a screen.

Ah! When will I regain control of my life? When will these endless sources of entertainment stop controlling and enslaving my every moment? Even at work, I'm tempted to check Facebook or my personal email more often than I'd like. I'm addicted.

I don't have a solution right now other than seriously limiting my time in front of a screen - but how? 40 hours a week, my job is spent in front of a computer. All I want to do when I get home is decompress in front of a screen from the comfort of my couch. I don't do anything active and yet my body always hurts. I even have a group of friends over every Tuesday night to keep my social life alive. And yet, it doesn't satisfy either.

If you have any solutions or thoughts on this, please leave a comment. I feel stuck and need your help. 

I'm Just Being Honest

On a job, we hide our lack of productivity. On average, the 40 hours a week people spend 'on the clock' only yields about 30 hours of actual work. In a relationship, we hide our blemishes, mistakes, and sometimes even our betrayal. One small thing that we get away with turns into two more things and, very soon, our lives can be built on a pile of lies. Our arrogance increases and our attitudes turn bitter. Paranoia breeds in the secret interworkings of our private lives.

Isolated by our internal fears, we allow that isolation to physically manifest and control us. We turn to our phones instead of our partners. We turn to our books, our TVs, our consoles, our friends, concerts, parties, alcohol. Just to pull our thoughts away from the lies we've stuffed into the closet for a brief weekend or evening.

Inauthenticity creeps its way in, and we're nothing but fake, two-faced people. Without integrity, without authenticity, without true joy. It's difficult to trust someone we're close to with our secrets in a different way than it's hard to trust someone we hardly know. We tell ourselves, "I just don't want to hurt them." The truth is, we just don't have the nerve to display, in a vulnerable state, who we really are. We wonder if we can still be loved even after revealing our ugliest of uglies.

It's even harder to trust a job to keep you after you slip up. A lot of places will not give you a second, third, or even eighth chance. If you really cared about the job, you'd be there. Do your job well. Stop making mistakes. Our income, friendships with coworkers, even sense of purpose can be in jeopardy if we confess our mistakes to a manager, to HR, or to a coworker.

Isolated. Again. Again, because we're breaking trust and we want to live in our personal box. How do we get out of this box?

It takes one enormous leap of faith. We, with a choice between living in the shackles of our secrets or being truly free, must make the decision to tell the truth. Choosing to speak up when our emotions tell us to shut up can change our lives.

Instead of wanting to quit a job because I feel like I've let the company down with my hidden mistakes, I can be given a second chance to live up to my potential. Which, by the way, includes my ability to tell the truth.

Instead of wanting a new spouse or friend, we can experience amazing forgiveness, truth, and a real fresh start. Months or years of clouded misunderstandings and unnecessary frustrations can be avoided when we clear that fog with a simple confession to each other.

No one is in love unless they love all of you.
No one is more than just an employee until they've made a mistake and come back from it - for the company, an employee who moves on from their mistakes is much more valuable than an employee who rarely makes them and gives up when they finally do.
No one is successful until they've failed and admitted that failure. You can't learn from denial.

Admit your mistakes and find freedom from your inner secrets. Life's more fun that way.

Time to Throw in the Towel?

As a child, we sometimes hear that whatever we decide to do, we'll be good at it. If you're like me, this can cause us to believe our parents and other adults in our lives will have high expectations for us as we enter adulthood.

What happens, though, when that accomplishment, milestone, or goal disappoints us?

My wife knew someone who grew up never seeing her parents argue or even discuss a small disagreement in front of her. All 18+ years of her life living at home, and this person hadn't witnessed a marital conflict. At some point in her young adult life, this person got married. Her expectations had been established by what she had witnessed, and what she hadn't witnessed, in her parents' relationship. Her expectations were shattered, therefore, by her first argument with her new husband. Immediately, she knew - or at least, she thought she knew - that the relationship was over.

Whether they wound up divorced or not, I'm not sure, but I do know that this very same thing happens all around the world in relationships, careers, colleges, and a myriad of over things. When we've "arrived" at an important, personal milestone, our brains and our emotions know it. We know it. Dopamine surges and our adrenaline pumps. For a time, euphoria and a sense of new heights gather around us.

But just like that woman, everything we go to for our satisfaction in this world is guaranteed to disappoint us - and more than once. What happens when what we thought would bring us ultimate joy and satisfaction let us down? Should we throw in the towel? Is it over?

I've been struggling with answering that question. I'm trying to figure out if I need to send my resume out and change jobs because I, too, had my expectations and trust broken by a job that I had surrendered my satisfaction to. When I was first hired, it felt nice to ride that wave, letting the job dictate my satisfaction because, so far, it had yet to let me down. When I changed departments, the job did let me down. I figured it would be temporary and continued placing my trust in the job. Weeks turned into months and I, for some reason, repeated everything I had done the day before: relied on this position to bring me joy. It never came.

6 months later, I'm still in this department, but I've decided not to let the job dictate my joy. Circumstances are difficult to remove ourselves from but if my joy isn't derived from what's around me, I can't lose it when what's around me is less than perfect. (Hint: it's always less than perfect.) When my joy isn't derived by how I feel, I can't lose it when I'm less than perfect. (Hint: also always.)

What if that woman was able to decide that an argument with her husband didn't mean the marriage was over? What if I could hang onto this job for just a little bit longer until things got better? What if we could have hope for the future no matter the circumstances? It's challenging. We may feel our troubles will never end. But, in my experience, pain is temporary. Trials come and go. We learn from the tough times. So long, my demons - you've tortured me for too long. Now, it's time to get the best out of a bad situation instead of letting it turn me into the worst version of myself.

Seeya tomorrow.

Learning What You Need - Discarding the Rest

Growing up, I, like many kids, was subject to the bullying, teasing, and constant fear that public schools often produce. My anxiety led me to lying about how much homework I had, stressing about those upcoming parent/teacher conferences (especially with the math teacher), and fearing the (deserved) discipline I would receive for choosing to play Halo instead of completing my homework. Depression, anxiety, apathy, fear, and an absolute lack of will were staples of my childhood. By the time I reached high school, I decided 9th grade would be different.

But it wasn't. Three months in, I couldn't find any solid ground to stand on. So, I struck up a deal with my parents to be homeschooled for the rest of high school so I could get the heck out. They agreed. In the year that followed, I learned how to: 

1. Play the drums
2. Talk my parents into giving me their old flatscreen TV
3. Play video games on said flatscreen TV

It wasn't all messing around, though. I also gained some confidence back, spent time with people who cared about me and created a significant amount of stability in my life. Eventually, I ran into one of my friends getting help with his algebra homework from the parent of some friends we knew. This parent, it turns out, had homeschooled her three children. I asked if she was willing to homeschool me through the rest of my high school diploma, as her daughter was in the same grade I was. She said, "Yes, but only if you're serious about it." 

Oh, I was serious. 

Yeah, right.

The first 5 months were absolutely miserable. I was practicing the same habits of procrastination and lacked the drive to accomplish much. My essays were sloppy. My 'study' times were still being wasted playing video games. Then the New Year hit (2014, if you're curious) and a gear switched in me. Approaching turning 17, I realized: 

I don't need to stress about learning everything. Realistically, the things that interest me will come naturally. Intuition will kick in. I only needed to spend time learning things that I knew were a struggle for me to wrap my head around, and that would definitely come up later on a test. I also knew there were many things I learned about that were unnecessary. I stopped telling myself to just shut up and learn it because I had to, and started asking myself, "What do I want out of my education?" 

This simple perspective change helped. Immensely. It became my choice to learn and it felt like I finally had the ability to say, "Yes, I want to learn." 

As I got better at identifying what key items would appear on a future test, I also got better at filtering out the information my brain didn't need to store anymore by asking that question, "What do I want out of my education?" I focused on that. Figuring out what those things are helps us filter through all the educational materials seeking to flood the backs of our eyeballs, and we can see the one thing we can cling to as we drown in a mess of information. We see a future in a career or we find a subject that really gets us excited.

What causes anxiety in our lives, I believe, is a feeling of being overwhelmed. To be able to say, "I hate math, but I need to learn what I can to pass and nothing more," is a first step to reducing that stress.

If we can simply identify the things we are responsible for and stop overreaching beyond our capacity, we will be a society that is less cluttered and less stressful. I've seen past coworkers doubled over with anxiety about things that they aren't responsible for. They overreach and question and desire to learn everything about other peoples' responsibilities, yes, but also the responsibilities of entire departments. Entirely different departments. That said coworkers don't work in. They were not hired to work in those departments and they are stressing themselves out because they don't understand every single thing that goes in in those departments. If they first focused on being able to manage what they've been given, things would go a lot smoother for themselves and for the world around them. Instead, they lack general trust for others to do their jobs. Others who had been working here longer than said coworkers. 

Trusting others to handle themselves is the first step, for all of us. Giving the benefit of the doubt is challenging, but it takes a great amount of pressure off our chests. 

And then comes trusting ourselves to manage our own responsibilities. When I stop worrying about what others can handle, I begin to trust myself. 

Start today by choosing to trust someone else. Then turn that into trusting yourself. Focus on doing the best you can with what you've got, and trust that those around you are doing the same.

Trust.